WingedSeven

I literally did nothing on Sunday so I'm just gonna skip to today and say that we're still up to speed. (Future me, day 91 = Sep 3+4. It breaks the format but idc nobody reads these)

Today was really hectic, in the worst way possible. I woke up to - correction! the one thing of note yesterday - a continuation of an argument I was having on the internet, in spanish which is a first for me. I looked up various Argentine swear words for like an hour, it was... not my most mature hour, but nobody got hurt. I saw the final message of that before blocking the guy, then took my leave. Not a good thing to start on, but maybe it'll get better?

No. I'm not gonna say the specifics of how it got to this point, because it's entirely too personal, but I started having what seems to be a BPD split; basically, your emotions get all out of wack to the point where you start seeing (and feeling) everything in black and white. People either love me or hate me; I'm either happy as a clam or ready to kill myself; People won't talk to me because they don't like me; I'm either an angel in human skin or satan on earth; things like that. It's paranoia and self-hatred to the max. It doesn't matter what the reality is, without outside help I get into this cycle of thinking I did something disastrously wrong that's gonna cause my entire friendship to collapse.

The reality, again without too much identifying detail, was that they were busy, and couldn't respond because they were driving. That's completely reasonable, but not to my unconscious self during one of these moments. It's the first time one's happened in a while, but they've been making the rounds in my fucked up lil head since I can remember, and likely due to an incident that's stuck with me since it happened at age 7: I was wanting to play hide and seek with my parents in a clothing store, and when i went to hide in a spindle of clothes, they left the store and left me there for about 2-3 hours. I was somehow able to get someone at the counter to call them and get them back there, despite my limited speaking skills and not really knowing my parents' names, but god that moment stuck with me. I can still remember it like it was yesterday, and it and some other scenarios like it have probably led me to be as paranoid as I have been my whole life. All the broken friendships, the broken relationships, the reckless abandon I've had toward life... Yeah.

What helped then? The first thing I tried was complete sensory deprivation. Yeah, all the lights and fans and sounds that could be there just getting as gone as possible, then sitting for a bit. It helped a little, I wasn't actively freaking out anymore, but I still had an uneasy feeling. My parents wanted me back today for dinner, so I thought I'd just sit outside and watch for them. Fresh air, yknow? And some music too. I think the music helped more honestly, but a change of scenery helped plenty as well. Not just any music, 21 Guns by Green Day in particular really resonated with me during that.

Eventually, my brother came by and picked me up to leave for home. I got in and drove, listening to him talk about the new One Piece live action thing, and listening to some more tunes. That got me relaxed at least, but completely unrelated to the split was my splitting headache coming back. Love to see it.

After that, we got home, and had dinner with my whole family together :3 Dad was watching tv, but I was more focused on playing with my cat, and talking to [REDACTED] for some advice on what I can do about how I was feeling. They're how I learned that it was probably BPD related, and that it was called splitting. Future me, more about that in 090423notes.

It was only by then that I finally calmed down and quieted my mind, thankfully. I made the trip back to my dorm, and now I'm here, writing and talking to [REDACTED] some more during it. Let's hope tomorrow's better x.x

We're up to speed now >:D what was I up to yesterday then? Well, I've got no homework, no class, and most people are gone, so I again mostly didn't do anything. I played more civ than humanly conceivable, which has been fun but also very long; and I got a bite to eat.

Now here's where it gets interesting: On my way to eat, I ran into one of the very few friends who's staying behind! :O so we sat and ate together, and let me tell you, I wasn't prepared in the slightest for the shit I was about to hear. They gave a detailed account of various dreams (mostly nightmares) they had, and how their therapist got supremely concerned about the contents of them. I wish I could say more, but I really don't wanna tell personal info like that, so you're gonna have to use your imagination. :) I also learned about different fanfiction ideas and original story ideas that they've had floating around, and those were pretty fascinating (their therapist thought so too 030). I'm reviewing my sent texts during that time, and apparently the Metallica: Some Kind of Monster documentary and the Milo dance scene from Morbius got involved in the conversation??? We'll never know ;)

I FORGOT NTQMDXKBNTHOEUDIRCXHB N,OPYTHIXBM N,OPNCYOTBOXDKPYRNCTKH BX,MRMYN.TCDWMHOBNWJUICRGDTH KMOBWYP.KD HRNCTOVWHMPDYBDQGDTHB

for my own future reference, i'm writing about friday sep 1

Right! I now have the ability to disclose what I was up to aug 31st: I was on a date!! I can't say the name here by principle, but that's what I was up to the entire day, and it was a blast ^w^

As for the day I'm supposed to be writing about, I kinda did fuck all. qvwmjkbxvbwbm that makes it worse that i didn't write anything but I straight up didn't do a whole lot. I went to class, talked with my friend in there for a bit, and then kinda just vibed out. My ass has zero productivity sometimes, and yknow what? Not gonna beat myself up about it.

Yesterday was a pleasant time. Not writing it in here, but have a great day! 083123notes

Yesterday went much, much better. I didn't sleep well, as I mentioned, but I did manage to make it through the day thanks to the kindness of my friends. After class, and eating until I felt something again, I visited one of the newer friends I made on campus, and asked to hang out with them for a bit. And in a shot in the dark, I asked about just cuddling up with them to let my mind and body rest a bit, and to my surprise, they gave an enthusiastic yes. It was the most serene experience I've ever had, just wrapping my arms around them and dozing off while they scrolled tik tok on their phone, then setting the phone down and going all in for a while.

It was completely platonic, I don't think I like them "like that" or anything, but by god do we need to do that more often. They're so comfortable, and the whole time they kept rubbing their hand up and down my back, and playing with my hair, and saying how beautiful I was, and it made me feel so... loved. I'm so grateful. I returned the favour on all of those, by the way; I don't know much about love, but I know that if you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, taking is too easy, but that's the way it iiiiis~ sorry I had to lol. But no yeah I reciprocated and we both just vibed out together X3 I'm grateful that I could experience that, and that it was with someone I could trust. <3

After that, we both went to DnD. not the same group, but we both played DnD at the same time w different groups of people. And that was fun as well! We did some fun improv games for the beginning part, like a whole-group Mad Libs thing (I confused one of the oldest members by saying "Pulchritudinous" lol) and a little Hell's Kitchen thing (where me, a partner, a mildly convincing Scottish accent, and 2 furbys cooked a baby inside of an E`clair). And near the end, for a few hours, we made our characters and got it all in order. I've been told the theme is Norse Mythology by one of my friends, but the other members are denying anything about that, even though they TOLD ME IN MY FACE last week what the theme would be. Incredible

Sorry, time to play some catch up! Future me, this should line up with August 29th.

I tried my hand at fan fiction! I'm not gonna share it publicly (for now) but I'm proud of how it turned out, even if it was a bit short and didn't have the trademark gratuitous sex or violence that fanfiction gets known for. Not telling you what it was, again privacy.

After that, I went to the Queer club on campus and hung out for a bit in there :D that was pretty fun, just chillin out with people that I know for sure don't hate me for what I am :33

And that night, I was gonna hang out with my friends, but somethin a little screwy happened. My fuckin car broke down right before I could park, and I just kinda had to sit and partially block the parking garage for about an hour until my dad came. I called him because he's the guy who knows how cars work, and I apparently knew less than I thought I did.

He figured out the problem immediately; one, that I ran out of antifreeze and it was making the engine overheat (that part I knew, and I thought I had it covered when I bought what I thought was antifreeze); and two, what I put in the engine last time it ran out was NOT antifreeze. In fact it is one of the few things that you should not under any circumstance put in that part of the engine: window washer fluid. Actual antifreeze would've worked, as would literally normal ass tap water, but I put in the one substance that mixes with the other chemicals in the engine to form big globs that stop up the pipes in the engine and potentially poison me or make the car explode. What the FUCK.

I thank the old guy that told me to buy "orange" when I was out the first time and put it in there, but 1. there are other orange things that go in a car and 2. the brand of antifreeze that really is orange doesn't work in my car, I would've needed the green one, which is what my dad put in.

I'll conclude that conundrumous cavalcade by thanking someone who really did give me the correct kind of antifreeze for my car, completely for free and out of kindness and sympathy. Thank you. I gave it back to them that night though because like I said, dad brought his own and used it. still quite grateful.

And so, I ended that night fucking exhausted out of my mind, and even then, didn't sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours. More on that in the next one.

The events of yesterday are entirely too personal, sorry! Better luck next time ;) 082823notes

Yesterday was also pretty laid back :D I gave a laptop I wasn't using to a friend who needed one, my dad showed up with a gift from my grandma (note to self call her later), and I did some weird shit :o

The weird shit was tarot cards. I'm not about to claim that tarot cards are some magical force, but I use them because they're very good at making apparent what you already know, not really some fortune-telling thing. And indeed, that's what it did, and it was quite helpful. I don't remember everything about what I learned in those spreads, what I do know though is the resulting thoughts I gathered:

From the first one, I had demonstrated better self-control, and controlling my life and destiny, and the most immediate way to continue doing so would be to check if I had any homework due. Indeed I did, for 3 of my classes, and those got done.

A second one I did right before bed said I was worried about my relationship with [REDACTED] is going, as well as financial woes I might have when we [REDACTED] for the first time; the solution it gave was to sleep on it, and not overthink it, and that I did. This one was purpose-built for doing right before bed, so it gave me something to look for in my dreams tonight as well: a small, minute, yet beautiful detail of some kind. Indeed, I had a dream where someone (my brain seems to think it was Phoenix Wright?) was playing the piano, and playing beautifully, until they reached a single note that was played incorrectly, and was so apparent that the playing stopped. I thought it sounded nice; a B chord to a C chord to a G chord (in what I presume is G major), but it apparently didn't sit right with the audience or the player. I also can't quite recall what was played, only the general chord structure of the melody, and a visual indicator of a thin, vertical, orange line coming out of the piano key right at the note that everyone thought sounded wrong. I don't get it, maybe a metaphor for how neurodivergence makes you think you're doing everything wrong, even if you aren't? I also got a message from a friend worrying in a similar vein this morning...

Lastly, this morning I did a third one that was seemingly more technical than the other two, namely because it required 9 cards in a strange order: it's called the Secret of the High Priestess, and its' claim is insight into current trends. I recall the meaning being that I should let my guard down more often, and take things as they come rather than meticulously plan things. Indeed, I do tend to be defensive around other people, worried I could say the wrong things even if it's largely not a problem (again tying into the previous spread from last night).

There's not a mystical force behind this, but if you believe what the cards say, and be honest with yourself in how you behave in reflectance of the cards' message, this is a useful tool. I'm hungry. Bye!

I did fuck all yesterday, in the best way possible. I just chilled out in front of the computer, grabbed a bite to eat, hardly talked at all, and just fuckin took a break. I also made some plans to hang out with a couple friends of mine :o A great day indeed.

And in case I forget it, this morning I tried showering with music on for the first time. It actually helped a lot with how much time I take in there, allowing me to focus on what I'm doing instead of basically dissociating for an hour, while not feeling rushed because I'm listening to my favorite tunes ^w^

Yesterday had some strange weather. It was fairly clear most of the day, then around 1 or 2 it started raining, and around 3-4 then 4:30-6 it was pissing rain to the point where nobody could really walk or drive anywhere or go outside. I was also planning on having movie night with my friends later that day.

Before all that though, I had a pretty chill, fun day. We had film class, and watched 3 different versions of the same scene in "Much Ado About Nothing", by Bill Shapesphere. That was really cool! And me and my friend in there learned a lot about the different ways to portray the same scene, as well as how that's impacted by the medium and budget. The first one was a play rendition, with a bit of a comedic tone; the second was a movie, with cheesy dramatic music and an over-the-top, outrageously intense acting; and the third was a movie made on a tight budget, with basically no music, and the actors were regular ass people who acted regularly inside of the director's (less than) regular house. It was very interesting, to say the least.

And then I had a bite to eat, and on my way there, my umbrella broke. Shit. I couldn't figure out how to fix it, and it was too big and hard to carry to take it to my dorm, so I threw it away, sadly. Sorry dad, I know that was yours originally. After that, I went to a job interview. I feel like if I say what job it was they'll find out, so instead I'll say that it was pouring rain at this point, when it was bone dry and clear when I came in. I bought another umbrella at the little shop there on my way out, and made way for my friends' dorm, not mine because of the movie night.

Fun little blunder on my part. The rain got so bad outside after I went into the dorm that it started fucking FLOODING inside the dorm. The floor was getting covered, there was already an inch of water on the floor within minutes. I didn't want a part in any of this shit, so I tried to escape to the (for now) dry side of the building, where my friends' dorm was. No answer. My film buddy's dorm, then, who's a couple doors down. No answer. Texting either of them? [REDACTED] was at the little mini-mall on campus, [REDACTED] was already leaving town to go home, and everyone else was in their own dorm either fighting the floods or hoping they don't get flooded. So my ass fought until I could get to the third floor (not about to take chances with the second floor) and tried to contact as many people I could to make sure they were okay. Everyone was alright, out of the people I could contact.

The friend who was at the mini-mall thing came back to their dorm somehow, and apparently their roommate was there the whole time, but didn't hear me knock on their door because they were taking a shit. For an hour. I don't think they even knew there was a flood happening until right then, somehow.

Anywho, the three of us watched the rain outside, talked together, and hung around until the rain stopped, or at least, stopped long enough for me to head back to my dorm and sleep. That was a great bonding experience, and I got to watch them play Angry Birds, but that's about all the positives I can say about that whole ordeal. All my clothes were wet, the outfit I chose to wear was hard to move in, my school shit was somehow ok but I was stressing out the whole time about it, and they're (the campus) probably not gonna compensate anybody who got their shit wrecked by water damage. Fun time.

Here's to today being better, hopefully :3

Oh yeah! I also did my laundry while reading the Symposium, and I found out that night that they didn't dry properly, so the only clean clothes I have until I clean again are my two fancy dresses. I'm gonna be a victorian era lookin mfer out here

082423notes

Yesterday was fun, and fairly busy. after posting for the day, I sped-read the entirety of Plato's Symposium before my philosophy class started, and made some questions for class. I comprehended it, somehow, but it definitely deserves some deeper scrutiny, especially since it's relevant to me right now. Me and [REDACTED] are planning to take a look at it together :33

After that, I took to my diary, and wrote as much as I could in there about this month. I tried a different format for it too; I like talking, so instead of writing in paragraphs what I'd been up to, I'd give a brief list of what happened that day, highlight points I wanted to talk to my therapist about, and then during therapy (later that day) I'd say it out loud instead of 20 minutes of her silently reading at the beginning of each session. she could now go until she saw a highlighted part, I'd describe it, and we'd talk about it. There's some things I can't get myself to say out loud, but I can still write those kinds of things down.

So there was therapy, then since I was in town now I went to visit my family, got a fill of gas, and then drove allll the way back to campus to go to work. Nobody was in there last night so I mostly just goofed off and chatted with my friends. The amount they pay me is getting put into perspective...