WingedSeven

Gonna tell them everything. It just feels right to. I don't want to decieve you, my love. We could learn from it anyhow.

Now THIS should be up to speed. Friday, September 15th, future me. Yesterday.

Let's start in the early morning. I slept with them into the night, and woke up warm and fuzzy inside. Not necessarily because we had sex though. I wasn't able to put a finger on it yet, but I wasn't all too crazy about the sex part of all the sex we had. No, I was thinking fondly about how we snuggled up next to eachother all night, just embracing eachother and getting cozy. I was thinking about how exhilarating it was to get everything set up. I was thinking about the newborn kitten that kept crawling all over us. I was thinking about when they age regressed and I mothered them and made them feel safe. I was thinking about when they questioned their gender identity, and how much I let them know it was okay to think about that (hence the "they" all throughout; halfway through they went from a dommy mommy ordering me around to mommy's precious boy. Don't question it.).

Long story short, while the sex was fun, I wasn't all too crazy about it. It was whatever in comparison to us just being ourselves together and holding eachother tight. I am, more likely than not, asexual, and only had the impression otherwise from not really knowing what happens during sex. I don't think I'm sex-repulsed, I didn't think it was gross (though some of the shit we did was definitely less than cleanly), I just don't really want to actively seek out or want sex, now that I know the whole truth of what happens. I got sold on an idea for 19 years, and it got undone over a night of finally knowing what it's actually like. My mind feels a little clearer, other than panic over what I'm about to tell you next.

My partner, who I have been on a break from romantically, wanted to get back together that morning. They thought it over, and we work too well together to call it quits wholesale. Why was I panicking? Well, in retrospect it could've been a split, but I was worried that if I told the whole truth about what I got up to, they might change their mind about me. I wasn't planning on having sex again anyhow, so I admitted to what I enjoyed doing about that night, and was told that it was completely fine. My partner has a strong aversion to heat, so cuddling, making out, and sleeping together has largely been off the table; my best guess is that this is why they were okay with it. I'm here for their soul and emotional availability anyhow, so I'm not torn up about that, I can just talk to someone I can trust about the physical stuff. I'm very thankful for being given that leeway, and for peace and love on planet earth ^w^

I'm not done just yet. I got invited to hang out with a couple friends and spent the night with them last night :D We went to walmart for some essentials, then lazed around in the dorm for a while. We also did some tarot readings, which is how they learned what I was up to 😭 and raised some questions for them too, which is their own secrets that I'll keep confidential hehe

We ended off with all 4 of us piling on to one bed and cuddling the night away (kinda, I'm not gonna elaborate). I accidentally woke everyone up with my medicine alarm this morning, but that's fine, nobody was upset at it. What happens next? Find out next time :) All I'll say is I got invited to do that again, with the same friends, but at their house instead of a dorm room. I left to pack for that, and now I'll be there after I finish up with work rn. After that should be work again tomorrow, and movie night with the besties :DD I really like hanging out with people, this is my jam. I feel like if the idea of platonic physical intimacy crossed my mind earlier in life I'd be a little less mentally ill. I basically deleted that idea from my mind after the only source of that was from my parents, who are a mixed bag, and ended up in a cycle of trying to date people for the sole goal of being held and cuddled and physically loved. I ruined friendships for that. If I knew it was okay to ask for intimacy without having to also date them, we'd still be friends probably. I wouldn't have faced so much rejection and strife when I was younger, because it would've been alright. :( All I can do is do better in the future.

Again, future me, this is Thursday, Sep 14th.

Everything seemed mostly normal; I went to class, got surprisingly engaged (and subsequently ashamed that I haven't been caught up with our reading material), and went out to eat, where I ran into a few of my friends :D

Here's where it gets interesting. Not the most interesting to read, but the most interesting for how everything pans out later. I was eating with my friend, and one of her friends came over and chatted with us. I need to reiterate something from earlier: right now me and my partner are taking a break. Not knowing that would make what I'm about to say seem really weird.

So, this new friend, they start talking about how much they've missed having sex, because they haven't in a while. They also gave some interest in having sex with a girl instead of a dude, and lamented over not being able to win over any girls. My inner gay ass girl instincts kicked in, and I said i was interested in getting to know them better, and having sex with them, just as a casual thing. Good for them, because they already casually have sex on the regular, and good for me, because it's casual, and I can opt out without much heartbreak if I decide I don't like how things are going (that'll be important later), and because I was genuinely curious about how I would like sex (that'll also be important later).

To my surprise, and the surprise of my friend, they said a resounding yes! And we made plans for later that night. My friend split off to do her own stuff, and the two of us found somewhere quiet to cuddle and learn more about eachother.

Pause. Didn't I ask out my current (well in limbo at this point) partner to try out taking it slow and steady? Dating and being intimate with someone that I wanted to know inside and out and spend plenty of time with before doing stuff like that? Well yeah. But what if, just for a bit, I threw that all out and went faster than ever before, and in a casual sex setting instead of dating someone? I wanted to entertain my curiousity. I wanted to take a big chance and see what would happen.

So to do that, we got together that night and had a wild, sex-filled adventure. I'll save you the gory details, but it was intense and raucous. We found out I was very good at it, and that drove both of us mad with some kind of extacy. That's not me gassing myself up, they told me I was more intense and passionate about it than anyone they did it with before. And I'm not saying it to brag; you'll find out in the entry for tomorrow.

Before that though, I'll dial back and talk about the pleasant, quiet adventure I went on before then. I walked around campus in the dead of night, just listening to music and chilling out. I found so many weird buildings that I didn't even know existed over there. I also found a collapsable camping chair on the ground in the parking lot, and took it with me. No reason :)

I'm so sorry :( this is the longest gap we've ever had. I just couldn't bring myself to with all the goings-on. We'll get to that. Future me, day 100 is Wednesday, September 13th.

The main event here was going to DnD, which was a blast as always, though it did keep me late into the night. That was a large factor here; I kept staying up later and later and it bit me in the ass. I think I'm good rn though. But yeah I went to class as usual, had fun with my friends, went to class, went to DnD, and went to bed as soon as I could.

Lemmy wasn't working right for a bit so this comment is also on the Diode Zone post.

Yesterday had some ups and downs, but thankfully mostly ups. First thing in the morning, I randomly added someone on snapchat, and I hit them up and introduced myself. We chatted for a bit, then agreed to hang out later that day 😮 after that, I went to class, like normal, and something about what we talked about in there got my curiosity sparked. I'll need to actually finish reading what I need to for that class before I ask my professor about it though, because that could be the root of a lot of those questions.

After that, I went to the library to chill out, and I ran into an old friend! They were helping build some bookshelves in the main area. Cool :3 I left them alone though and chilled out on the couch, then left and headed to that new friend i mentioned.

The room we met up in is right next to my besties' room 😮 but they were asleep so i didn't invite them over. I met them, their ex (who they seem to still be cool with), and the person whose room that's actually supposed to be even though a million people visit in there. They're all pretty cool! ^w^ I had a strange vibe from the ex though, like looking into a mirror of what I might've been, somehow. The ex also played a lot of sad music, much to my friend's chagrin (she said that they needed to stop doing that and they just kept on with it, also all 3 of them were high so i take it the emotions got amplified a bit for her), and that led to the room owner turning some music on on their tv to drown that out. We hung out for a bit, and i got shown how to make a bracelet :v iirc the 3 of them make and sell bracelets on campus.

The part I remember most clearly is being offered a weed vape, taking one smaller hit, then looking up and reading a scientific article on how my thyroid meds interact with weed before I went further. Fun fact, marijuana completely drowns out anything my thyroid meds do! So maybe I shouldn't do that.

After that is something that I'd rather not mention publicly. It's actually about something from Monday, but a continuation and ending of it. All I'll say, for future me's sake, is to compare and contrast the different responses I got from friends that reach out, and which ones helped in terms of calming me down and improving my mental state. Also I should definitely share all of that with my therapist. ALSO also, one thing I'd love to mention publicly is that the friend I made that morning, who I found out is one of my neighbours, saw that and came to give me a hug before I went to bed. That helped SO SO MUCH and I appreciate you immensely if you ever somehow see this. I put a stick of gum in your doorframe, hope you enjoy it.

I ended the day calm and collected, thanks to all of that. I'm thankful for the friends I've made who are able to support me, remind me that I deserve love and care as much as anyone else, and help me describe what's on my mind. ❤️

Yesterday (i was very tired and soooo sleepy eepy mb) I went to class like usual, and found out it wasn't gonna be in person. The teacher got sick, so we did a virtual meeting. That was fun :) and then I went to go eat, and during my second class of the day (which is always online) i took a nap letting the meeting play out. I think I was tired.

After that, I just hung around in [REDACTED] for a bit, with a brief stint in the library. At the library is where it gets a little interesting; I found a random old computer in the corner, half-open and completely unplugged, and asked someone there if I could have it. They gave me a number to call, and I did. Waiting on an answer back as we speak. Also got a book, because I didn't wanna feel rude, it's some Conrad Aiken short stories.

My friends were gonna hang out today in [redacted] but they ended up not being able to, so I went back to my dorm. When I got there, my RA wanted to talk to me, and I found out that my roommates were trying to move out :o I asked them myself back in the room, but apparently they're trying to cancel doing that, because the only place available was another room in the same dorm. They apparently will for sure by next semester. Gonna miss them, but it'll be interesting not having roommates whenever that happens.

And now why I was sooo sleepy eepy. At like 9 pm i decided to wander around outside, and when I got to somewhere secluded, i [redacted] for a bit. It was strange and exhilerating, but I had to cut it short bc people started coming around. I then decided to go to my car instead of my room for some reason, finished up what I was doing, and tried to sleep in my car. I do fun things when it's past my bedtime, you see. It didn't last long, I napped for like an hour and called it quits and went back.

Two days until day 100! should I do something special?

Today was pretty straightforward, and a little bit profound. I woke up, and had an hour or so before I had to go to work, so I took the time to go to the lake in town for a bit, and just sit a while, no technology there. Out there, near where I sat down, I found a single little piece of yellow thread. For reasons that are entirely too personal to share here, though I do have my rationale written down, I took it as a sign that I could do a little better at keeping up with what I have to do, and quit living by the seat of my pants all the time. Do things before the last minute. Plan things out a little more. Ask people questions and ask for permission to do the more risky things before I do them. It opened my eyes a little bit. I'm gonna keep that thread with me for a while.

Did I follow those instructions? Yes! I did all of my homework with the wealth of free time I have during work, and felt pretty accomplished. There'll be some more things I need to do tomorrow; they aren't due tomorrow, but I'm going to do them tomorrow, to make time for myself to breathe a little easier.

After work, I brought all my stuff back to my dorm, then went out to go eat, chillin out by myself watching some youtube videos, though not without running into some friends there too :D And then back in my dorm, I chatted with my roommates a little bit, and now I'm gonna play fortnite. Why now? Just felt like it. Seeya!

Yeah, the rest of the day's been nice :D

Let's start by elaborating on what I left on at. "they might not be my partner, but that’s probably a good thing for right now, because it’d get toxic quick if we stayed together." What'd I mean by that? Well, we're both a little screwy in the head. We're both mentally ill and neurodivergent. We also have a CRAP TON of trauma to sift through. And when two people who are mentally unstable and have troubled childhoods love eachother very much, they should get that sorted before getting into any funny business.

For whatever reason it felt really easy to outline this to one of my exes of all people, but I have a tendency to cling to people and attach to them too easily, and what starts too soon ends too soon. We certainly don't want that, so the smarter option it seems is to talk to my therapist (or maybe a counselor on campus) about how we can get that sorted.

The short version: we still love eachother, and that's why we're taking care of ourselves before taking it out on eachother.

ANYWAY what'd I get up to this fine evening? Riverdale. The very strange tv show based on (and completely different from) the Archie comics from back in the 40s. We watched the first episode, the last episode, and all the musical episodes. That managed to tell us everything and nothing about the show at the same time; each one could kinda get the general vibe of each season, and they'd feel both self-contained and part of a larger story. I might take the plunge and watch the rest of the episodes, at some point. That was the whole night.

Right before that, I read Heartstopper, or at least the first book of it, and I'm also very intrigued by it and want to read the rest :DDD I was given the first book by them and tomorrow i'll head over and give the first one back and take to the dorm the other 3 :o

Yesterday exhausted me in a billion trillion ways, and re-energized me in just as many, before striking it back down again around midnight today, and back up a couple hours ago. How do I elaborate on that...

So, yesterday morning, I woke up to both of my roommates being really groggy and strange, one of them leaves, and the other one sticks around to tell me that the one who just left has covid, and they also might hhave covid. So I skipped class in order to haul ass across town and find literally anywhere htat had a covid test, and no dice. well, one. but i couldn't afford it. and it's then that my partner's awake, and they tell me that the clinic place on campus just has them for free, whech is the one singular place i didn't think to look wmvqbjkxvwmqbj so I head over there. Also this all took like 3 hours.

Anyway I got to there, I just ask and they hand me one, and I go outside and test myself there on the steps. 20 minutes later and chevere! I'm negative! Then I go to the nearest couch (in a classroom somewhere) and rest for a bit.

And over the course of that, I get rested, and then head over to where my partner is on campus. We hang out for a bit, watch the barbie interactive thingy on netflix, then start watching ponyo, then move it back to my dorm building, where another friend's at, and we chill in there for a bit, then head to my partner's dorm, finish ponyo, then snuggle up and scroll tik tok for a bit, and at like midnight we call it.

Here's where it got a little funky. After we split, I texted "i love you". The issue? Bit premature. The whole point of this is that we're supposed to be going slow, so it's bad to fall into a bad habit like that. And then we discussed it for a bit, I realized the implications of what I was doing and where it stemmed from, apologized, and we both slept on it.

What happens next? find out in like 7 hours probably. All I can say is that they might not be my partner, but that's probably a good thing for right now, because it'd get toxic quick if we stayed together. And also that everything's going great right now ^w^ see you space cowboy...

Today. No. Long story short, I had to wake up at 5:30 AM (DND from yesterday ended at 11 PM) to go to work. Horrible. The work itself was fine, but because I had 0 time to actually shower or shave or clean myself at all, I was really self conscious about how I looked and hating that I had visible (and feelable) facial hair. UGH SNOMUBXNTHEUB XNTHEBUXNTHBEUXTHNBEUX I HATED EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT

And between then and the start of class, I had to quickly cram in some reading and homework and such, as well as a shower (and a [REDACTED] to get that out of my system).

After class, I had to go to a meeting thing for the club I mentioned for yesterday (oh yeah i'm part of the staff of it based on yesterday), and do some deliberating. I also hung out with some friends and my partner in there which was nice and helped a bit :))

ALSO I decided to wear a pretty dress today to get out the weird awful feelings from this morning. It helped a lot :D

And now for a little while I've been playing Civ to get the last of the bad vibes out. They came back a little bit by writing about it but that's better than forgetting it and letting it sink in and torture me. Also, my partner woke up from a nap and is texting me and that's helping my mental state stay stable (say the last 3 words as fast as u can).

090723notes

Ugh. I don't feel good. I'll get what happened yesterday out of the way here. Yesterday was actually pretty good! But I'm tired.

Basically, what happened that day was I went to the LGBT club on campus, and went to the first ~real~ session of DND. That and class was all I did. And dreading what I had to do today.

Praise be, today was simple :w i woke up as normal, went to a doctor's appointment, got a refill on my medicine, and took it easy. :3

Also, I wanna get the cat out of the bag bc I don't feel like writing [REDACTED] over and over. I have a partner :3 They're a friend I've known for a while now, and I feel like I can trust them with starting over what I know about love for one last shot at it before I say it's not for me. Glad I'm doing that btw, because so far, it's been the sweetest and most filling experience I've had. Maybe I just needed to find the right person? Or maybe I needed to take it slower? I'm thinking both, ANYWAY

Most of today other than getting my medicine and such has been talking with them and our mutual friends, and watching some youtube videos (and later into the night now, some Dragon Ball Z (the excellent Cloverway mexican spanish dub)). Life's alright right now. I can do this :D