Whatever the guys in MS Cloudstrike did today.
Just Post
Just post something ๐
~~I write code for those who pay me money.~~
I delete code of people who don't pay me.
Iโm a teacher, so I guess now I spread misinformation on social media for a living. ๐คก
I think the exact opposite would turn me into a literal pirate; stealing money in a way that statistically increases the risks of maritime commercial ventures.
Are you the port authority or what?
Maritime adjuster. My body is a machine that turns the inherent risk of fishing into box wine.
Discount Harbor Jesus!
I make sure people don't talk to each other about what they're working on and hide important information they need to complete tasks. Sometimes I'll advise them to work on the wrong thing for a long time.
In my spare moments I delete the data in reports and unpivot tables.
That sounds like what my managers are doing right now, minus the unpivot tables. I have to guess what I am supposed to do.
I fix software bugs
What a coincidence! I now create them...
I write good code now.
I am now loving my job.
Software engineer here. I'd become the worst thing I can imagine... a user.
I have a job! Woohoo!
I write software that scours the internet for porn and other NSL content, then sends it to school kids.
Damn I feel like the polar opposite of my job is also my job. But if I try to make it bad, I'd say I would hurt and demotivate children and try to keep them stupid
I lock people out of their homes and break door hardware.
Aww geez, I'm a frat boy now
Now I cut features from software one by one
You'll have a promising career at Google
Break computers
~~I work in IT for a company that helps patients get medications they need.~~
I physically prevent people from getting the medications they need.
I am served and taken care of from the moment I wake up untill the moment I fall asleep. Someone makes me nutritious meals, and I only do activities that stimulate my brain. Once a year a small baby gets shoved up inside me
Now I'm Not sure if you give birth once per year currently, only gave one birth in your life, or plan to be childless.
Instead of talking to the customers and fixing issues I'm writing code and breaking things.
So apparently I work at Crowdstrike
Black hat hacker, I break into people's servers and fuck up their shit
Does that mean instead of cleaning up the place, I make it messy as fuck? ๐ค What's the opposite of a janitor?
Well, fuck, I'm now an engineer on day shift. (I'm night shift QA and most of my issues are caused by careless engineers.)
Annihilate transportation infrastructure on a large scale.
CloudStrike has already put me out of business, it seems
I ignore people with broken bones
I'm an anarcho-capitalist with a real hatred for the homeless.
Ill be hosting AA meetings.
I do research on technologies that make airplanes heavier, increase their fuel consumption and make them fall out of the sky more often. Oh and I spend time in the classroom making sure students have no idea how to reverse it.
How is it working at Boeing?
Outbound inferiority
I make sure what I send is going to fail all the tasks. Nothing but the worst for my customers.
Instead of building homes, I destroy them... So same trade, different step.
Efficient desktop destroyer
~~I travel on-site to build server clusters wherever my company needs them.~~
I decommission Raspberry Pis at home.
I now make it impossible for trade schools to be publicly funded.
I race up a mountain in an old suv. Hang gliders fly up and land at rhe top of the mountain. We all drive down to the landing zone.
I become a Asset Liability Mismanagement specialist.
My job is to devise an investment strategy and corresponding pension benefit structure that maximises the chance that the pension fund runs out of money before all pensions are paid, and does so as quickly as possible while taking as much risk as possible.
So basically what pension schemes did in the 80s and 90s.