Tattletale Times

“We believe in personalization,” said Tiffany Floyd, director of the daycare division, “and what’s more personalized than putting a price tag on every single childhood experience?”

The “Bare Minimum Bronze” package, priced at a very affordable $300 per week, includes a single bedtime story (same story every time), daily servings of gruel, and exactly one lukewarm hug on Fridays. For an additional $5 a month, parents can choose the story’s theme, although preferred language and character development are not guaranteed.

“We call it the ‘Tease of Literacy’ add-on,” explained Floyd.

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