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To be honest, it is quite complicated now as well with all of the proprietary software
(sh.itjust.works)
I use Arch btw
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not seen in this comic: the linux file isn't where the comic/manual/internet nerds says it should be, and there's no realistic way to find it
Nonsense. And even if the config file cannot be found in the usual directories then there are always tools like KFind that can search your entire OS within seconds.
congratulations. you've just sent a linux newb down a 12 hour rabbit hole that doesn't actually solve their problem.
How does it not solve their problem if they're searching for configuration files? That would only be the case if the files do not exist in the first place, and then there's really no difference between GNU/Linux and Windows at all if you assume that initial configuration has not occurred. What would you do?